Sunday, June 03, 2001

I had a good dream last night. A happy dream:

It was in two parts. The first was that I was making offical vows with this guy in front of my family and family friends. We held the ceremony in public. I remember his features : he was dark, had broad shoulders and had a very masculine physiogamy. He didn't talk much but he was so sincere when he made those vows to forever love me, in sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth. I was so happy. He held my hand when he made those vows. Me too. My family was in the background and my mom and her friends were so happy that there may be a chance that I'd be spared a lonely old age. I never felt that I'd ever see this scene in my life. He had a group of close buddies too and they came late. He addressed their presence in a masculine way and I was so charmed. His friend were here to wish us well too.

The next scene had to do with me and him walking hand in hand with a group of my closes friends from my JC class. We went out as a group for some outing. He just held my hand and made me feel so safe. I always walked a step ahead of him but he didn't mind that. He was always behind me to protect me. I was making some comments - some bitchy as usual and he only smiled cos he knew I didn't have an ounce of ill will.

He was so special. I wonder if I'd find him in reality. He wasn't good looking in the conventional sense, but in my eyes, he's the best looking guy in the world. And in his eyes, I am perfection.

Friday, June 01, 2001

What is wrong with me? It has been months yet I still cannot forget Shyang. Is it being weak to be so unable to let go? I ask myself these questions everyday. Tomorrow my results will be out and I am filled with dread. Why do I still even hope? Hope that all will be okay. Hope that I still have something left in the end.

He still doesn't answer my e-mails and I still shameless care so much about him. I don't deserve to live having no sense of self-worth. Anyway, got lots of stuff I still need to do. So help me God.

Wednesday, May 09, 2001

There are many things I still miss about Shyang - little things but there are so important to me. I like the way he used to look at me. He'll always look hard into my eyes - like he's never seem me before - everytime we meet up. I liked to be looked at that way - his eyes brimming with respect and affection. I like the way he never allows me to put down the phone first. Everytime we talk on the phone, always lets me hang up first. We always had so much trouble trying to end the phone call. I miss all this very much

Nowadays I think of him often. I wonder if he thinks of him the same. I ask Ken time to time how Shyang is doing because the latter still doesn't want to answer my mails. Ken has been most kind and tolerant.

Thursday, April 12, 2001

Ken and I talk on via ICQ now just like friends. He told me that Shyang broke off with him too and cited the long-distance and Shyang's immaturity as the reasons for the split. I told him that I was happy that he had finally seen this side of Shyang.

Ken told me a lot of stuff. Talking to him is most theraputic. He told me that Shyang has changed a lot, becoming more open now and happier now. He also asked me not to hate Shyang. I don't know if I am capable of doing that at this stage.

Do have a look at Ken's website at

Saturday, March 24, 2001

Today I am happy.

I am happy with my transition - in the afternoon I hated myself for falling in love with Shyang.
Before I forget: Shyang doesn't change his toothbrushes. He always washes himself so vigorous. The bristles on his toothbrushes will always become frayed in a matter of weeks - really frayed resembling the spines of a sea urchin. I always have to tell him to go change it and he does listen to me albeit grudgingly. The last time I went to his place, I nearly took one home - just to remind myself of him when he has left my life. I glad I wasn't a thief.

Thursday, March 22, 2001

On the evening of somewhere near the 4th of December 2000, Shyang and I went out to celebrate his birthday. We ended up eating at some food centre in McPherson area. Overeating actually. Had the chinese 'Five Fragrances'. Then we went to his place. I didn't stay for the night that day. He didn't want me to.

I bought him a beanie baby puppy called Rufus. He loved it - seeing him play with it by making the puppy sit in various positions was so endearing. We laughed a lot that night. Then we just sat around to watch TV. He said a million thanks but I knew he meant it when he put his legs over mine when we sat on his sofa. I miss that so much. I told him to take care of Rufus forever. And he promised.

The second last time I saw Shyang was when I went to his place after a dinner to celebrate my birthday in Feburary this year. He had treated me to an expensive Japanese place. We took the taxi back to his place in silence. When I stepped into his room, I just picked up Rufus and cried. I just couldn't stop crying. Shyang called a taxi and told me to go home. I didn't and we ended up talking dead into the night. I didn't want to leave and he started to get cruel. I knew I acted desperate and could have scared him. I guess I'd have to live with this for the rest of my life. And trust me, it is so not easy.

Rufus is at my place now. I asked Shyang to return him to him. I knew he would never keep his promise and I didn't want Rufus to end up in a box somewhere by Ken's request.

Tuesday, March 20, 2001

Maybe the reason why I haven't been able to let go is because the whole incident has hurt my pride so badly. I have been humiliated - humiliated because a living, loving, body like myself cannot be compared to a memory of 15 years ago, a letter, icq messages, a voice over a phone and a website. I feel defeated merely by all that and it is devastating.

I know the fault does not lie enitrely with me - this happens when you fall in love with a dreamer. I resent Shyang for that.
Shyang had been away in Trengganu a few days by then. The moment he had received Ken's letter, he told me all about it. I could sense something in his voice - till today I still remember how sharp I was. Ken is Shyang's childhood friend. They knew each other at 10 and then ken left for the states. For 15 years they lost contact - until I fell deeply in love with Shyang and Ken wrote that fateful letter.

Shyang asked me over the ICQ 'What if I tell you I want to start a relationship with Ken?' I reponded with acceptance that I never knew I was capable. I was in denial - and it lasted for a week. I kept believing that he was lying to me or that is was some bad joke. It wasn't. Shyang ICQed me the news at night and got disconnected. I never slept well ever again. After the 1st week, I used to have dreams of Shyang sleeping right next to me at night. I could feel his warmth and presence but then I would know that he is not there and I'd wake up and cry. The dream kept recurring until I felt like throwing up. I could control myself when I'm concious - I could will myself not to think about them. But when I'm about to wake from sleep, my semi-conciousness would take over and I'd dream again. I had even to fight in my dreamstate.

Monday, March 19, 2001

At times like these I am wrecked with hate - hate for both Shyang and Ken a.k.a Sean and Adrian and whatever their names are. I wish I could say they ruined my life and the so many that loved me - but I know I am at fault as well in the most warp of ways. At times like these I tell them I curse them and their families every waking hour I possess. At times like these I wish I were such a person.

I've met another guy - stronger, more wanting to start loving me. But all I have for him has been detachment and brutal honesty. Its not because I still love Shyang - but that my heart has been ripped to shreds by their deception and cruelty - until I have not a single emtion left inside me. Have a look at Ken's website at - read about what wonderful lives they are living while I am wallowing in my hate. I deserve it - no doubt of that - but I guess I'm not strong enough to let it all go away.

I remember Christmas last year. I bought lunch and a present to shyang's place. He opened the door with that preposterous santa elves hat he bought at Watson. I still feel so warm when I think of it - but there is a bitter after-taste that comes with it now. I bought him a present and he bought me 'Tuesday with Morrie'. We loved to take naps at his house - we used to feel so comfortable sleeping in each other's arms.

So help me God.

Tuesday, March 13, 2001

The mother of a muslim friend of mine just passed away yesterday. Muslim's bury their dead within one day, so by the time I visited my friend, all has been said and done. Yet, he was still suffering from that acute sense of loss - so much so that he thinks he wants to take his own life. To a group of people, this might seem maudlin and weak - but I see so much strenght in this as it takes a lot to allow yourself to grief for someone so badly. I wish my friend had the license to go, but I know that he doesn't. And I think he knows that too.

I nearly killed myself because shyang left me. Wanted to jump, wanted to throw myself onto the tracks, wanted to just slit my wrist and bleed to death. Not because of getting his attention or looking for pity. I wanted to end it all because the pain was just too bad to bear. It ate into my soul until I was not the person I used to be. When I talked to the people around me, I realize that I couldn't go - that they needed me to be around. It is not that they care about my presence, but that my absence is unacceptable. The burden made the pain worse as I know that I couldn't go as much as I want to. I used to think that my suicide would also mess up shyang's life - whether it is his guilt or the law catching up with him. I used to think that this my love for him talking. Nowadays, it seems more like an invented excuse to do the brave thing. I'm just a coward after all.

I often wonder if shyang and ken know what they have done to me. I wonder if they really care - or if they have the capacity to.

Sunday, March 11, 2001

Shyang and I never had sex. We hugged and lot and there was some fondling, but no sex. I think we were both two shy. I didn't want to have sex with him because he never said he loved me. He always reiterated that we were only to be good friends. Sometimes, I feel that maybe if we had sex, Shyang wouldn't have gone back to Ken. I don't think I'll ever find that out.

Shyang always hugged me from behind. I would sleep in his arms and sometimes, he would sleep in mine. I liked it when he explored my body with his hands. How he touched my thighs, chest and other more senitive areas. He was always so timid. I think he knew he was wrong. On morning, after a fair amount of groping, he jumped up and covered himself with the blanket. I asked him if he was alright and from underneath his covered, he said sorry and that he would do this with any other guy.

Of course it hurts, but I had to forgive him. I loved him too much by then already.

With the other men on the street, everytime one of them looks at me and expresses interest, I found him revolting - revolting because I always believed that only the weak and desperate would ever fall for me. So far the theory has been right. But I made myself believe that Shyang likes me out of affection and strenght. That was my mistake.

Wednesday, March 07, 2001

The third last time I ever saw Shyang was when he was leaving back to Trengganu to visit his family for the chinese new year. I went to his place in the afternoon. He was packing and I was just sitting around. I knew he was exhausted from running around and he asked his backed to be rubbed. He always told me that he doesn't like to me massaged and that being touched in certain ways made him uncomfotable. But with me, he felt comfotable. After the backrub, I fell asleep on top of him.

We left his house late and I was told to return some of the library books he borrowed and help him post a letter. He was never a person that manages time well because he knew how to take time off to smell the roses. I appreciated that in him.

We had a rushed meal and he left for the bus deport for his 9 hour ride home. I waited for him to leave - from a distance as he was uncomfotable with the fact that people might see us together. I had a sense of forboding. Everytim we were together I kept feeling that we were living on borrowed time - as if any time now we were meant to part. I always though I would be able to cope with a parting - with heartache. I guess I am wrong.

He left that night and that was the last time we saw each other with affection in our mind's eye. When he arrive in Trengganu, we corresponded via icq. It was wonderful chatting with him. It was like we were never apart. But after a while, I felt something was amiss.
I will write about that in another blog.

At time like these, I wonder how he is doing. He has refused contact with me now and I can only send my well wishes into cyberspace. I am still trying to accept the loss.

Tuesday, March 06, 2001

I know that I don't love Shyang. I'm too selfish to. For one thing, he'll hate me more if he ever gets into this website and reads all that I've written. He's always been a very private guy and extremely closeted. Another thing is that I'm starting to loose the memory of him. I'm the type of person that remembers that one will never forget the love of one's life. But I am forgetting him. Nowadays I can't even remember the sound of his voice anyway and in a way, that hurts. Hence, I need to keep all these thoughts somewhere.

Shyang has the kindest eyes. His brows were almost joined and when he got angry, it was really scary when he glared. I can't remember if he had double eyelids - and I don't think I'd ever find out. He had rather high cheek bones and the thinest of lips. His nose was prominent - sharper at the bridge but flatter at the base. He had this melancholic look always and I found that attractive. He had a healthy skin colour.

He hair was always long and a mess. He dressed comfortably even when he went to work and I never approve of that. He was taller than I am and thin. He had muscles under those clothes he wore - not large but firm - I had felt them once. But what I recall was that he's body exuded a warmth that I like to reside in - a shelter for my colder self. I miss that warmth the most.

He was a scholar and at present is in Australia with a scholarship. He is in the life sciences and I've always admired that. He had great academic achievements - he graduated from a local poly with the best result from his department that year.

I loved his laughter. I always wanted to make him laugh.

Monday, March 05, 2001

I thought Chiishyang will be the love of my life. We would talk for hours on the phone everyday if we were in the country or his family wasn't around. This went on for eight months. I met him in a gay chat room. I wanted to make a fool of him - his corny nickname. But nowdays, I feel that the joke is on me.

During the Chinese New Year, he icqed me from Malaysia. Said he wanted to start a relationship with his childhood friend Ken. From that day on, I have been grieving. So many things said and done - so many things though thru I'd like to have them down here.

Do I still love him?? Does it matter?